


The Wingman Honeymoon Phase

by youbuggme



Series: Wingmen For Life [4]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drunkenness, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, M/M, Multi, Relationship Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Identity, Sisters, Stubborn Idiots, Tyrion doesn't deserve this, Wingmen For Life, terrible fathers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-04-13 03:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4506675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youbuggme/pseuds/youbuggme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>“You insisted I preform a marriage ceremony between the two of you so you both could be Wingmen for Life in Holy Bro-trimony.” </em><br/>  <em>“Please tell me I didn’t say those words.”</em><br/>  <em>“Oh, on more than one occasion.” Tyrion smiled grimly. </em></p><p>A detailed summary of Jaime and Theon's three day honeymoon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place the morning after Wingman Proposal! I recommend you read all the Wingman for Life stories before continuing on to this one.  
> Enjoy the madness.

“Ah, fuck.”

Theon’s body felt like it had been rammed by a semi and someone tried to perform an unsuccessful lobotomy on him. Hangovers were probably the worst offender of the morning after… _shit_ ; Theon couldn’t even really remember what had happened last night…or really all of yesterday. Actually, the past three days felt like a blur. All because of Robb.

Theon shook his head quickly and sat up. No Robb. Robb was bad and this was all Robb’s fault. _Robb, Robb, Robb._

Theon grabbed a half full liquor bottle before him and drank. Washing out the taste of Robb’s name. It was nice, letting the alcohol muddle his brain further. It vaguely reminded him of something but he couldn’t remember what.

“Do you really start every morning with a drink?” 

Theon looked over to the sound of the voice guilty and fearful. He hadn’t realized there was someone else in his apartment. What did he _do_ last night?

Theon met Tyrion Lannister’s eyes and felt himself instantly calm. Okay, that wasn’t so bad. Tyrion was a great bloke. They drank together often. Although, the half man was carrying around one of Theon’s closely guarded secrets…

“You have work today; it would be in your best interest not to drink.” Tyrion stood up and stretched his back.

“What happened?” Theon asked as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “I don’t remember much.”

“It’d be a miracle if you did.” Tyrion chuckled. “Jaime happened.”

“Who?” Theon frowned. 

Tyrion only pointed to the floor where a lanky blonde man laid passed out. Fear struck Theon hard as he stared at him.

“Oh gods…I didn’t…we didn’t?” Theon was muttered and Tyrion let him squirm for a bit. “I’m not gay…oh gods. I wouldn’t do _that_! I couldn’t have…I’d only…Robb… _No_.”

Tyrion sighed, breaking the rambling boy. “You didn’t, I think. Got hitched, but didn’t have much of a honeymoon.”

“What?” Theon blanched. 

“You two were pronounced Wingmen for Life.” Tyrion smirked.

“Excuse me?”

“I’d rather not going into depth about how both your wasted minds work and sync up.” 

Theon was utterly confused and still deeply worried. “So we didn’t _do_ anything?”

“Besides drink together? No.” Tyrion shook his head. 

“Oh thank gods.” Theon sounded very much revealed. “I couldn’t do that with another man.”

“Except Robb.” Tyrion added.

Theon blushed and shrugged. “He is an exception. I’m not gay from it.”

“Of course not.” Tyrion reassured and decided that he would leave the conversation of Theon’s sexuality to someone else. Preferably Robb Stark himself. 

“What do you mean we got married?”

“You insisted I preform a marriage ceremony between the two of you so you both could be Wingmen for Life in Holy Bro-trimony.” 

“Please tell me I didn’t say those words.”

“Oh, on more than one occasion.” Tyrion smiled grimly. “Really, it amazes me how your twisted little mind works.”

“Will you just shut the fuck up, Tyrion?” A new voice had entered the fray and Theon could only assume it belonged to Jaime.

He watched as the lanky blond man sat up and threw Tyrion a glare that could rival Theon’s own signature glare. Jaime turned and stared at Theon next.

“Who the fuck are you?” Jaime grumbled as he stood up slowly.

“The guy who owns this fucking apartment.” Theon snapped defensively.

“And your new…what’s the word you used last night?” Tyrion frowned. “Brover? No, Jaime was right. Wingman is better.”

“What?” Jaime blinked confused.

“Do I have to fucking hear this shit again?” Theon hissed as he stood up and popped his shoulders irritated. 

“Why don’t we discuss it over breakfast?” Tyrion asked. “My treat. I think it goes best with steak and eggs.”

“Waffles.” Jaime murmured as he rubbed his face.

“Waffles too.” Tyrion sighed.

\--

Tyrion dragged the two hungover sloths to a seedy diner not far from the office. Both were looked much better now that they were awake and wearing fresher clothing. Jaime had to ultimately borrow a t-shirt from Theon that was a size too small, but Jaime had clothing at work that he could remedy that easy enough. 

After they ordered their meals, both Jaime and Theon stared at Tyrion expectantly. Tyrion took a healthy sip of his coffee.

“So, I’ll start from the beginning.” Tyrion sighed. “Bear with me. So, I think before we can talk about the events that transpired last night, we need to discuss how we got ourselves into this messy situation, hmm? Basically, you two are both idiots in your romantic lives and rather than face your problems head on, you rather sulk and drink. And drink you did, I’m rather impressed, Jaime. Theon can pack quite a bit and you managed to keep up fairly well.”

Jaime didn’t seem to like the compliment as he poured another packet of sugar into his coffee. “Just get on with the bloody thing.”

“Right,” Tyrion clapped his hands together. “You both came into work yesterday very drunk and unable to your respective jobs. In order to save your asses from losing a job, I took you out of work and brought you to Mr. Greyjoy’s apartment where you two decided to drink more. 

“You talked about your feelings a lot. You,” Tyrion pointed to Jaime. “Sobbed about Brienne, while you,” Tyrion shifted his gaze pointedly to Theon. “Wailed about the loss of Robb Stark. After finding out about your equal footing, you both decided the best way to celebrate that was to get pronounced, Wingmen for Life.”

“What the fuck is that even?” Theon groaned as he downed his orange juice. 

“I haven’t the slightest idea.” Tyrion shrugged as the waitress set down their platters. “All I know is that you both insisted it happen last night and that I officiated it.”

“You aren’t a notary.” Jaime pointed out as he pour an abundant about of maple syrup on his waffles. 

“Now you remember.” Tyrion shot out sourly. “Now, we are left here with a few dilemmas.”

“Like?” Theon chewed his bacon slowly and calculatingly. 

“First of all, you both have a horrible drinking problem that isn’t helping your angst over your love lives. Angst you both caused, mind you. Secondly,” Tyrion’s attention was on his older brother again. “Brienne has been worried sick about you and wants you to come back.”

“I’m not going back.” Jaime muttered darkly. “I’m a free man now.”

“A few man with no place to stay.” Tyrion pointed out. “Which is dilemma number three.”

“I’ll figure something out.” Jaime waved off.

“Sure,” Tyrion rolled his eyes sharply. “Dilemma number four, you both need help with your love lives.”

“No. Because there is no love life.” Theon stabbed his eggs angrily. “I’m. Not. In. Love.” Theon punctuated each word with a stab of his eggs.

“Really selling it there, bud.” Jaime sneered.

“At least I’m not fucking homeless.” Theon smirked.

“Enough!” Tyrion sighed. “Not even a day as Wingmen for Life and you are already bickering like an old married couple.”

“How many times are you going to say that?” Jaime groaned.

“Wingmen for Life?” Tyrion asked with a slight smile on his lips.

“I’m going to make a drinking game out of it.” Theon decided as he pulled out a flash from his pocket and took a shot from it.

Tyrion looked horrified. “Why do you have that with you? You have work in half an hour.”

“I’ll be fine.” Theon pocketed it again.

“He is right. You do have a drinking problem.” Jaime clicked his tongue. “Shame, at such a young age too.”

“Least I have a steady job and my own apartment.” Theon murmured snidely causing Jaime to flare up in anger again.

Tyrion sighed loudly as the two began to fight again. It was going to be a long day.

\--

Tyrion had stressed the entire day and was relieved when five o’clock rolled around and work was over. He nearly ran to his brother’s office to see if he was okay. 

Jaime was sleeping on his desk peacefully and Tyrion sighed with relief. He slowly crept around the desk and groaned upon seeing the flask Theon had earlier tucked on Jaime’s lap. Tyrion kicked his desk annoyed.

“What the fuck do you want?” Jaime snapped upon his sleep being disturbed.

“You slept through work. Time to go home.”

“I’m not sleeping on your couch.” Jaime grumbled. “My desk is fine.”

“I didn’t mean my place.” Tyrion rolled Jaime’s chair away from the desk. “I mean your home with your girl-”

“I’m a _free man_.”

“A homeless free man.” Tyrion added. “You can’t stay here.”

“I’ll get a hotel.” Jaime rolled his eyes. “I’m not completely out of options.”

“Jaime, just go home and talk to Bri-”

“No.” Jaime stood up sharply. “I’m leaving.”

Tyrion raced to stand before Jaime. “Just wait, okay? I need to deal with the other drunkard and then we can discuss this like mature adults, right?”

Jaime didn’t leave a verbal response but it was clear enough that he wasn’t going to be leaving the premise entirely. 

“I’ll meet you in the parking lot, okay?” Tyrion called out as he made yet another mad dash to the tech lab in hopes to find Theon alive and sober.

Tyrion was slightly surprised to see Theon working at his computer, typing quickly at the keys with a dully expression in his eyes. He glanced up as Tyrion walked in before scoffing and going back to his work.

“Just checking in.” Tyrion sat in the empty chair next to Theon’s. 

“I don’t need a fucking babysitter.” Theon grumbled.

“I know. I just, in light of yesterday’s events, I was worried.” Tyrion patted the arms of his chair distractingly. 

“Shouldn’t you be more concerned about your brother?” Theon hissed as he closed his laptop and stood up. Tyrion followed suit.

“You shouldn’t give him booze.” Tyrion reprimanded. 

“He gave me fifty bucks for it. I can buy a lot more booze than that little flask can carry.”

“I’m not insulting your business model; I am simply requesting that you don’t egg him on.”

Theon smirked. “Of course, of course. It’s my fault. Whatever.”

“While we are on the discussion of you, don’t you perhaps think it is time to call Robb Stark and-”

“No.” Theon’s face darkened instantly. “I’m not ever going to do that.”

“I see. But you understand things will get resolved much quicker if we-”

“Maybe it is better if they don’t.” Theon pushed open the door to the parking lot with more force than needed. Tyrion ground his teeth together.

“You are so stubborn.” 

“I know.” Jaime was speaking now. Theon raised an eyebrow at him.

“I was really talking to Greyjoy, but I suppose the comment can be made about you too.” Tyrion sighed. “Now, Greyjoy, I need you to promise you’ll consider calling Robb Stark-”

“Never.” 

“Theon, you know what? Fine. Whatever. Sulk for the rest of your life.” Tyrion spat out. He normally wasn’t so willing to give up on a case like Theon’s but he had to deal with his brother first and foremost. “Jaime, you need to go home.”

“I’m not going there.” Jaime snarled.

“You can hang at my place.” Theon said, but his eyes were aimed at Tyrion. It was like he was trying to get back at Tyrion by dragging Jaime further down. “I have a spare room.”

“See!” Jaime pointed at Theon while glaring at Tyrion. “I don’t need you because I got him!”

“Do you even know his name?” Tyrion asked exasperated. 

“It’s Theon and we are going to get along swimmingly and forget our troubles.” Theon smirked as he nodded his head to Jaime.

Jaime nodded back and Tyrion resisted the urge to scream right there.


	2. Day Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theon and Jaime discussion horrible childhoods and sexual identity!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry in advanced for Theon's gayphobia. Also, sorry for his denial and comments on bisexuality.   
> Enjoy!

“Get the fuck up, you’re driving this morning.” Theon bashed on the door of the room that used to belong to Robb. He tried not to think about the fact that Robb wasn’t living there anymore. He tried to think even less about the fact of who did live there now.

He leaned against the wall impatiently dressed immaculately for work. The door finally creaked open to reveal Jaime Lannister dressed for work as well but hair still tousled.

“Give me one fucking second or drive yourself, half-wit.” Jaime sneered as he combed his hair back with practiced skill and ease.

“Says the man who downloaded twelve viruses last year.” Theon muttered to himself as he tapped his foot. “Seriously, it takes you this long to get ready?”

“Like you should be talking.” Jaime rolled his eyes as he marched past Theon. “The only reason you are ready now is because you get up an hour before me.”

“Normal people start work at eight in the morning, not whenever they feel like it because their daddy owns the company.” Theon snarled as he threw open the front door and marched out. Jaime followed suit, slamming it behind him. Both stepped out on to the landing unaware of another’s presence. 

“I see you’ve already moved on.” A cool voice growled.

Theon stiffened and glared at the man leaning against the railing outside his door. Jon Snow, Robb’s half-brother, stood there arms crossed and sullen face. Jon and Theon never really saw eye to eye and Theon was guessing things were not going to be getting better between them considering what happened less than a week ago between Theon and Robb. 

“What are you doing here?” Theon snapped, baring his teeth like a rabid dog.

“Returning keys.” He held up the key ring on his hand. 

Jaime chuckled. “So this is Robb Stark? Got to say, did not peg him as your type.”

Jon’s eyes widened but Theon looked vicious at both Jon and Jaime. “That’s his bastard brother, Jon.” Theon hissed at Jaime before turning to Jon. He held out his hand expectantly.

Jon threw the keys at Theon who caught them. “You know, what you did to Robb was a shitty thing to do, not that I would have expected anything different. I just thought you cared a little bit where he was concerned. But I guess you really do only care about your pathetic self.” Theon looked down at the ground and didn’t say anything. Jon scoffed in distaste. “Good fucking riddance.”

Theon didn’t look up to watch Jon Snow retreat and simply waited until he heard his motorcycle drive off.

“Seems like a fucking prick.” Jaime grumbled as he walked past Theon and toward the car. “You coming?”

Theon looked up and followed Jaime toward the car, staring at the key ring in his hand with Robb’s old apartment key and a tiny silver wolf keychain Theon bought him a few years back.

\--

“So why the fuck do you eat out here?” Jaime looked around unamused. Theon and Jaime were currently seated outside behind the office building by the dumpster for lunch. It certainly wasn’t as glamorous as the café or his office, but it was private.

Theon passed Jaime the flask roughly. “This is why.” 

Jaime accepted the drink and shrug. “I take it that it reminds you of your humble beginnings.”

“Excuse me?” Theon narrowed his eyes on Jaime.

“Well, I’m assuming you retreat back here as a comfort. Perhaps you did something similar when you were in high school. Being alone-”

“I wasn’t fucking alone in high school, you asshole.” Theon sneered. “Now stop psychoanalyzing everything I fucking do. I had friends in high school, jackass.”

“I see.” Jaime didn’t look convinced but he didn’t say anything further on the matter as his phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID to see his sister calling. He cursed but picked it up anyways. “Hello, Cersei.”

_“Where are you?”_ She demanded instantly.

“I went out for lunch.” Jaime replied coolly. That got a laugh from Theon.

_“What has been up with you lately?”_ Cersei hissed into the speaker. _“I have been trying to talk to you this whole week and you have been avoidant and rude.”_

“I’ve just needed space.” Jaime rubbed his head. 

_“Do you need help?”_ Cersei sighed like it was a hindrance to her.

“I’m fine.” Jaime grimaced. 

_“I heard you and your little girlfriend broke up.”_ Cersei spoke a smidge too smug.

“Yes.” Jaime confirmed. “I moved out the other day.”

_“Where have you been staying?”_ Cersei asked with an accusatory tone.

“With a-” Jaime glanced at Theon disgusted. “-friend.”

_“You don’t have friends, Jaime.”_ Cersei deadpanned.

Jaime gritted his teeth. “Sorry, I’m busy at the moment. I have to go. We can talk another time. Okay? Bye.” He hung up immediately.

“So I’ve been upgraded to friend.” Theon smirked. “Or is a demotion since we have been pronounced ‘Wingman for life.’”

“You really should stop saying that. It only eggs Tyrion on.” Jaime groaned.

“Who was that? Not the ex.”

“No.” Jaime wrinkled his nose. He didn’t like the word ‘ex’ and he certainly didn’t like it out of Theon’s mouth. “Just my sister.”

“Sounds like an over-protective girlfriend.” Theon muttered.

“My sister is complicated.”

“Oh, I know.” Theon chuckled. “I have to sort through her emails every week. She gets a shit tone of spam and click ads.”

“She is fucking insane.” Jaime rested his forehead in his hands.

“I know about crazy sisters, man.” Theon took a drink from the flask. “Sometimes just better off without them.”

“What’d you do with your sister?” Jaime cocked an eyebrow.

“Nothing. We don’t talk. She couldn’t care less about what happens to me and I reciprocate.”

“Lucky bastard.”

\--

“So let me see if I got this straight,” Jaime took a long sip out of his beer as he eyed Theon skeptically. It was the evening now and both men were locked up in the apartment again. “You are straight, but you like a man.”

“Robb.” Theon nodded his head. “I don’t see why this is such a hard concept to understand.”

“No other men?” Jaime clarified.

“Not really.” Theon shrugged. “’Cause I’m not gay.”

Jaime bit back a retort. He idle wondered what happened during Greyjoy’s childhood to get him hypnotized with anti-gay notions. 

“Liking a man is kind of gay.” Jaime settled for and waited for Theon to go into a long winded explanation on how he wasn’t gay, again.

“No! Look, if I were gay, I’d like other men. I mean you’re a handsome guy but I don’t want to fuck you-”

“Why thank you.”

“-so I can’t _be_ gay! Okay? I mean, I don’t dream about dicks and cocks-”

“I think you have a very poor understanding of what gay really is.”

“-but I like Robb, I guess. But I still want to fuck girls and-”

“Ever heard of the amazing concept of bisexuality?”

“-I mean, I’m just not gay- wait, what? I’m not bisexual.” Theon crossed his arms.

“I think everything you just tried explaining to me is the very definition of bisexual.” Jaime took another sip of his chilled beer.

“No. Robb is bisexual. Means he likes boys and girls.”

“Which you just expressed to me.” Jaime rolled his eyes.

“No! I like girls and _Robb_. Not boy _s_. Just one, not plural. Plural would be too gay and I’m not.”

“I understand you’re not gay. We don’t have to underline every conversation with it.”

“I’m just telling you I’m not.”

“You do realize sexuality is a scale. Bisexuality is a scale too. You can be more attracted to girls than boys but still like them both. Just one more than the other.”

“But I don’t like other boys other than Robb.”

“Are you sure?” Jaime cocked an eyebrow. “Maybe your drilled in heteronormativity is stopping you from seeing that maybe in the past you did-”

“Will you just shut the fuck up with his psychology speak? I’m telling you. I don’t care what it is called; I know what I am and who I am attracted to.”

“Robb included?” Jaime clarified.

“Stop making me fucking repeat it.” Theon hissed. 

“Was your father a bigot or something?” Jaime asked. “I mean, that would definitely explain all this hostility toward sexual identity.”

Theon remained silent and Jaime nodded his head in understanding. “So you got daddy problems too.”

“From what Tyrion has mentioned, you don’t.”

“Not in the same respect as you and he.” Jaime closed his eyes. “I can have problems with my father and still be his favorite child. Don’t be mistaken.”

“I don’t think our problems are comparable, Lannister.” Theon laughed coldly.

“Probably not.” Jaime shrugged. “But seriously, you’re bisexual, okay? You really can’t get out of this one.”

“But-”

“You like Robb Stark?”

Theon rolled his eyes. “Yes, for the fucking hundredth time.”

“Robb Stark is a man, I presume.”

“Yes.”

“So you like one man and girls in general?”

“Yes.”

“You are fucking bisexual.” Jaime cursed.

Theon fell silent and crossed his arms tightly over his chest. It almost looked like he was hugging himself. Jaime could wait him out. He was going to admit it, goddamnit.

“Fine.” Theon murmured a while later. 

“Good.” Jaime smirked prideful. “Now, let’s drink to sexual identity and disappointing family members!”

“Tyrion isn’t bad.” Theon grunted as he clinched glasses with Jaime.

“No, he is my exception, I guess.”


	3. Day Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm the worst and completely forgot-lost inspiration-started working on other things and basically abandoned the piece. BUT here I am, 6-7 months late, to wrap up this story! All I can say is sorry it took so long! I'm not sure what happened, but here it is. :) Sorry!!!

Tyrion shouldn’t really be surprised at this point. Disappointed, yes. But surprised? Far from it.

“Again?” he hissed at Jaime who was sitting against the wall of his office beside Theon, both clearly drunk out of their minds and watching vines on Theon’s cellphone. They had the phone balancing precariously between their knees. Should one of them move, their new source of their entertainment would fall to the ground. Jaime didn’t even know what a vine was and it was becoming clearer and clearer Theon’s influence was not doing his brother any good.

At first, Tyrion thought things could get better. That the two men could talk to each other and sort out their issues since they had some common ground, but that was clearly not the case. If anything, it made things worse. Theon simply had something else to focus on and Jaime was glad to be manipulated and dragged down by the degenerate. Between Theon not allowing himself to think about his problems and Jaime allowing himself to be controlled away from his, Tyrion was going to lose it. They fed off each other’s hatred and discomfort in probably not the sanest way. Tyrion was beginning to think he needed to take a different approach to these matters. He tried to let them be adults about it, but that wasn’t going to be an option anymore, especially if they were day-drinking at work every day.

“Come on,” Tyrion walked toward the two men and snatched the phone that had captivated their interest. “I’m taking you home.”

“That’s mine!” Theon weakly reached out for, although from Tyrion’s past experience he knew Theon’s coordination went to shit with even an ounce of liquor.  

“And you can have it when you get home,” Tyrion pocketed the phone, feeling more and more like a parent than a brother or boss. “Let me get my keys and then we are leaving. Try not to make a mess in the meantime.”

Tyrion stalked out of Jaime’s office, slightly praying the two idiots wouldn’t move. As he walked to his office, he pulled out Theon’s phone and filed through his short list of contacts. There were less than ten and Tyrion wasn’t sure if that was sad, scary or pitiful.

He had half the mind to call Robb Stark directly, but decided against it as he found _Robb’s Bastard Brother_ as the next contact. Tyrion dialed the number as he reached his office.

To his surprise, the Bastard Brother in question picked up almost immediately. Tyrion wondered as to why, but it was quickly answered more in the tone of voice than the actual words.

_“What the hell do you want, Greyjoy?”_ an aggressive snarl seeped through the line. Tyrion wasn’t surprised by the tone. From the little he knew of Theon and Robb’s falling out, a protective brother had all the reason to hate Theon, even more so if Theon went around calling him a bastard.

“Hello, my name is Tyrion Lannister and I was hoping we could talk for a moment about a mutual _problem_ of ours.”

_“Oh,”_ the brother seemed caught off by someone other than Theon on the line and it took him a moment to recover before he actually addressed the proposition posed. _“Is that problem Theon?”_

“It is,” Tyrion grabbed his car keys as he retreated back toward Jaime’s office. “I can’t imagine things are going well on your end with Robb Stark, if I’m reading the situation correctly.”

_“How do you know Robb?”_

“I’ve never met the guy, but Theon won’t stop talking about him,” Tyrion sighed. “So can you meet? Perhaps a coffee and we can work out a way to fix this problem.”

_“You think there is fixing this?”_

“I do,” Tyrion admitted. “How soon can you meet?”

There was a pause and a shuffling of papers. _“How about in an hour?”_

Tyrion was pleased by the brother’s eagerness and early availability. Robb Stark must not be doing as well as Theon imagined. “That’ll be perfect.” He quickly gave Jon the directions to the diner by the office. It would give him enough time to deposit Jaime and Theon in the apartment and get there for his meeting in an hour.

\--

Jaime regarded Theon bored. They were once again in the crummy apartment and Theon was rummaging in his kitchen for something to drink. Tyrion had dropped them off at the apartment and had taken their keys. They had basically cleaned out their booze over the past two days and with no ways of transportation, options were looking meager and slim.

“Find anything?” Jaime asked dully. Sobriety with Theon was not something Jaime thought he would enjoy and he could feel his buzz from earlier lifting. He need to recapture quickly before he could truly suffer in Theon’s presence.

“Just this margarita mix,” Theon muttered. “Will that work?”

“It’s alcoholic,” Jaime approached the kitchen and sunk onto one of the barstools by the counter. Theon shrugged in response and found two mugs (they apparently didn’t have margarita glasses or any other sort of nice glassware).

“You didn’t peg me as a margarita person,” Jaime spoke up again.

“I’m not,” Theon passed Jaime a mug filled with the drink. “Robb’s sister is though and well, he liked being prepared.”

Jaime nodded his head as confirmation of receiving the information but had no more to say on the matter. He wanted to go back to the drunken haze.

“What about your girlfriend? What’s her drink of choice? Martinis?”

Jaime laughed at the notion of Brienne sitting with a dainty martini. The laughter soon turned into a grimace at the thought of her in their house alone. “No,” he clipped out, hoping Theon wouldn’t push.

Unfortunately, Theon loved to push. Pushing was what the fucking idiot loved to do. It was a wonder that a respectable human like himself was forced with such company.

“Then what?” Theon settled against the counter, sipping is drink. “All you’ve done is listen to me talking about- well, it’s your turn to share.”

 “’Don’t want to.”

“I could just ask Tyrion,” Theon smirked. “He’d actually tell me the truth. What’s her name? Brienne?”

“Listen,” Jaime leaned hard over the counter to glare into Theon’s eyes, “’mention her one more time and your head is going to be slammed against that counter.”

“Oh, jeez, I’m scared,” Theon rolled his eyes. “Was she a bitch or something?”

“No.”

“A whore?”

He laughed dully. “Absolutely not.”

“In love with someone else?”

“Perhaps she should be.”

Theon paused. “Isn’t she your girlfriend?”

“Not anymore,” Jaime replied agitatedly. Gods, this kid could be fucking annoying.

“Well, sounds like you are complaining about a fuck-ton of nothing.”

Jaime set his mug down hard. “Want to talk about complain about nothing? How about the fact that the person you love loves you back?”

“And what? You and your girlfriend had a fight so you want to throw it all away?” Theon sneered. “Tell me why the fuck you are here.”

“Because,” Jaime stood up and began pacing, “you’ve met me and know what type of person I am.”

“Oh, is this an ‘I’m not good enough thing?’” Theon groaned loudly. “And I’m the pathetic one. Why aren’t you good enough? She a hot number or something?”

Jaime rubbed his face tiredly. “Because what I am doesn’t stack up to what she will want.”

“Ew,” Theon wrinkled his nose, “you are going to the noble, taking yourself out of her life route. Can you get anymore disgusting?”

“Why don’t you just fucking drop it?” Jaime asked.

Theon shrugged and slipped out of the room (after filling up his mug to the brim once more), leaving Jaime in the kitchen. Once he heard the door close, Jaime rounded the counter and grabbed the half bottle of margarita mix. With it in hand, Jaime slid down to the ground and nursed the bottle close to his chest. He didn’t like thinking about Brienne, that’s why he let Theon ramble and pestered him about his own issues.

He didn’t deserve Brienne and she could do much better than him. She deserved someone who could make her, her family and her life happier. Not someone who would lead her into burning flames.

Hunger stirred in his stomach and Jaime stood up. Slowly, he wandered to Theon’s door and pushed it open impolitely. Theon was resting on his bed, his back against the head board. Lazily, Jaime sat on the edge of the bed.

“I’m hungry.”

“Order something,” Theon snapped back with little heat.

“Tyrion took my wallet.”

“Bargain for it.”

Jaime paused at the thought. “You think that’ll work?”

“Look at me.” Jaime turned around and made eye contact with Theon who quickly took in Jaime’s appearance. He gave him a slight sneer. “Eh, it’ll work.”

\--

“I thought you’d have red hair,” Tyrion greeted he sullen looking gentleman who was waiting patiently outside the empty diner.

“Tyrion Lannister?” The young man looked at him with a hint of confusion. “I thought you’d be-”

“Taller?” Tyrion mused.

“No,” Jon Snow rushed. “More…scummy. I’ve met a few of Greyjoy’s friends before.”

“I’m his boss,” Tyrion clarified. “And you are Robb Stark’s brother?”

“Half,” Jon muttered lowly.

“Shall we go in?” Tyrion asked, already walking toward the door. “We will be joined by someone else.”

 Jon Snow followed at his heels. “Who?”

“Someone who can fix my other problem. I hope you didn’t mind that I double book for the evening.”

“Not at all.”

Jon sunk onto the seat across from Tyrion. They ordered their coffees in relative silence. They were taking each other in. Both were there concerning the same problem, but whether they wanted the same solution was something else entirely.

“So, your brother is in love with Theon?” Tyrion finally got the ball rolling.

“At the moment,” Jon murmured.

“Are you having doubts that will change?” Tyrion cocked his head to the side.

“I’ll I’m saying is that Robb will eventually move on. He’ll wait, even if he is saying he isn’t, but he won’t wait forever.” Jon set his mug down. “But that doesn’t matter with a homophobic Greyjoy.”

“What about a slightly less homophobic Greyjoy?” Tyrion smirked at Jon’s deepening frown. “Whatever notions he has going on, he is opening up in that respect and, well, he can admit that he does feel the same for your brother.”

“Well, why can’t he just fucking call Robb?” Jon snapped.

“I feel you would be better equipped to answer that question.” Tyrion took a long sip of his coffee. “You’ve certainly known him and his faults longer than I have.”

Jon rubbed his face. “And what do you propose we do?”

“I first want to get your permission in getting Theon to talk to your brother again,” Tyrion spoke slowly and calmly. “I don’t want to over step any boundaries and he’s been in your presence so you know best how he will react.”

While he looked reluctant, Jon nodded his head. “Robb wants that more than anything right now. He has tried half a dozen times to reach out, but I’ve stopped him. I didn’t want him getting hurt again, but if you think Theon will actually not be a dick about it, then fine.”

“Excellent,” Tyrion clapped his hands together excitedly. “Take him out to a bar tomorrow. Any bar will do. If Robb shows up, let him make contact. Theon _should_ respond accordingly, but I’ll be there to smooth it all over.”

“And it’ll be that simple?” Jon looked unimpressed.

“Sometimes the simpler the plan, the better. Less moving parts give Theon and Robb less of a chance to back out and retreat.” Tyrion glanced at his watch and frowned. His other appointment was running late. He had planned everything accordingly. “Do you think you can do that?”

“Yeah,” Jon straightened his shoulders before narrowing his eyes. “If Greyjoy does _anything_ to make this situation worse than it is, I’m going to come for him _and_ you. Understand?”

Tyron smiled at the threat. It was reassuring to see someone else taking responsibility into their own hands. “Crystal.”

“I’ll, uh, will text you the information then,” Jon coughed, recovering from his threat.

He reached for his wallet but Tyrion stopped him. “It’s on me.”

“Thanks,” Jon murmured.  He began to walk away but stopped and turned to Tyrion once more. “I may not like Greyjoy, but all I want is for Robb to be happy.”

“If Theon is want makes him happy then this should all be resolved shortly.”

Tyrion watched as Jon left the diner. He ordered another coffee, then another. And then one more, but no one showed. Thankfully the diner was 24 hour but as an hour passed without a word, he decided he needed to be a _bit_ more proactive.

Tyrion paid his bill and left the diner, dialing his phone.

_“Tyrion, sorry to leave you hanging, I just-”_

“Its fine,” Tyrion smoothed over. It really was. He was surprised by any sort of communication at this point. “Brienne, I know my brother can be an…” He paused to look for the right word but Brienne took the words out of his mouth.

_“An ass?”_ There was a humorless chuckle. _“Look, I’ve been trying to contact him since he left and have heard nothing. I’m a grown woman and there is only so much I can take. I love him, you know that and he should know that, but I’m not in a position to allow myself heartbreak over and over.”_

“He thinks he is doing it to protect you.”

_“Well, he was never considered the brains of the Lannister trio.”_ There was another dry laugh. _“Tyrion, if he wants to talk I am here but I just can’t hunt him down again. It’ll start to feel like the whole relationship is forced and…I want something genuine.”_

“He feels guilty,” Tyrion tried to sell. Brienne was one of the only people that made Jaime feel like a normal fucking person, not something that needed to change to fit what people wanted. “Look, right now with distance he is allowing himself to think nothing will be resolved, but if he sees you-”

_“I’m not hunting him down,”_ she deadpanned.

“Of course,” Tyrion sighed. “What if tomorrow, I give you a call to come meet me at a bar?”

_“Will Jaime be there?”_ Brienne sounded tired.

“How about I don’t tell you and allow for plausible deniability?” Tyrion negotiated. “If he is great! If not, you are just meeting a friend for drinks and a show.”

_“A show?”_ Brienne asked exhausted.

“It’ll be easier to explain tomorrow. So, how does that sound?”

_“I don’t know-”_

“Leave your schedule open and we will meet. Trust me, Brienne. I want this all smoothed over too, but you have to give me a chance to fix this for him.”

_“You can’t clean up all his messes.”_

“Let me help get him started on this one.”

There was a long pause but Tyrion waited. _“Fine.”_

“Thank you, Brienne. I won’t make you regret this.”

_“The show better be worth it.”_

 “It will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Again, my apologies for the abandonment... That being said, I might add to this series again because I still have ideas fumbling around for it. 
> 
> I must say, I ended up having to re-read the previous chapters and stories to finish up this one and it was quite the experience. I don't know if my writing has improved in that time but I was interesting to see the difference. :)
> 
> Come say HI on [Tumblr](http://youbuggingme.tumblr.com/)


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